A Fork in the Road
Do I Truly Possess Faith in God's Timing?
Today is a Pivotal Day
I have heavily pondered my calling recently. Not that I am questioning what it exactly is, but more so, how it is coming into play. I perceived a call to ministry as a teenager. I am now almost 30. I know I am called to ministry, but the Lord has left the details somewhat ambiguous for me. I went to Bible college straight out of high school and received a degree in 2020 with a focus in pastoral ministry, yet it is now 2025, and I am still not a pastor.
Here’s where things slightly diverged for me. See, I graduated in the Spring of 2020. This was a really bad year to break into ministry. On top of just finishing college, I was now trying to save money for the next level of education, i.e., seminary.
In 2021, I had the opportunity to intern at a church with my mentor, Mike Leake (you should check out his Substack in my recommended section). This was a nice nudge to get me back on track. I had sat for a year during the pandemic, working and building up money that could then be used for my education. The plan was that I would move 8 hours away from home with my wife, do the temporary internship, and then move to Kansas City and start seminary. I would finish up in a few years and then likely move somewhere else and go be a pastor and do pastor-y things.
Here’s the thing, though. While I expected to move, I perceived that the Lord desired for me to stay at the church I interned at, even after the internship was complete and I scrambled back to the secular workforce. So what did we do? We bought our first house and stayed 8 hours away from all we had ever known. Now, we have two kids and are about to enter the year 2026. I still have not pastored anywhere, though I have been blessed with teaching and preaching opportunities from time to time.
It was somewhere in 2022 when I first envisioned Freed Man’s Forum and desired an opportunity to write for the Lord. I could maybe even build up some type of community where believers could help one another learn and understand things by sharing in their own experiences.
I created the Substack in 2022 and then sat on it until the spring of 2025.
You see, lately, I have felt the passing of time more and more. Gone are the days when a single day felt like an eternity. It wasn’t too long ago that I remember my oldest son being born and seeing him face-to-face for the first time. Now, we are talking about making sure he is meeting his developmental points so that he will be ready to start school when the time comes.
I am kind of jumping all over the place, so let me refocus.
My Recent Struggle
Today is pivotal because I am currently at a crossroads. I am at a point in my secular career where I can attempt to spring forward to better provide for my family, or I am at a point where I could put a close on my secular career and finally begin pastoring. Multiple local churches align with my convictions, and the door for becoming a senior pastor or associate pastor of some variety is very possible right now.
I feel the weight of my calling on my soul. This is not a good weight, but I think perhaps a self-inflicted weight that I need to be freed from.
Let me tell you, five years, even ten years ago, I would not have envisioned myself where I am now. (It feels like I am kind of nowhere, spinning, caught in a dredge even.) I had such high hopes and potential, yet I feel like I have not measured up to it at all.
One of my chief concerns with going to Bible college straight out of high school was that I never wanted to become a pastor who preached to people without “having worked a day in my life.” I did not want to try and preach hope to people who had lived my life 5 times over with 10 times the worst challenges and struggles. How could I preach to people that I could not also sympathize with?
I was concerned about being a young pastor without the wisdom to lead, and my house’s order just never seemed to be up to the capacity that a leader of the church is supposed to be. I am aware that, as I write these things that there are valid and important answers to the concerns I raise. There are things that I perceived incorrectly or perhaps just need the right encouragement. Yet, I need to get these feelings out there because it is a part of how one moves forward.
I have often described my perception of my call to ministry as a slow-burning candle.
What I mean is that early on, I told myself that it was okay to not jump headfirst into ministry. There are practical points of wisdom I could learn, and if I struggle in the daily grind, I will know how to preach to people going through that same grind as well. I told myself it was okay to take my time and that if I worked in the world, I could live out my faith, grow as a person, teach, build up others, and one day join the ranks of pastors leading churches.
I didn’t think it would take this long, though. As I get closer to the age of 30, I really would never have thought I would still not be a pastor. This has been a constant thought for me lately. It has felt like a weight, tugging on me. I do believe that God has ordained my future and that he places me where I need to be when I need to be there, but why is he taking so long to show me the way and present me with the opportunity to carry out the tasks he has set before me?
I think I have almost had a childlike faith in trusting the stories provided in Scripture that have given me a false sense of security. Because God’s timing is good, He will make sure things work out in the end because God is good.
Never have I actually started to wonder, “God..? What’s the plan here? Are you there? Are you guiding me where I am supposed to go? Am I being faithful in what I do, or am I hiding behind the things of the world and not being faithful to your calling in my life?
I now have some of these thoughts on my mind. One of the things that has brought me the most solace in this time is that I have been teaching through the book of Genesis with some of the youth at my church.
We (finally) reached the end of Abraham’s life. I would certainly say that Abraham has a more grandiose plotline in the cosmic redemption of the world than I do, and yet, I have never had my moment of waiting like Abraham. The man lived an entire life and a half before the calling God had placed on his life was fulfilled in part.
I have struggled intellectually with certain points of doctrine or challenges that skeptics bring up against God or the Scriptures, but I have never experienced this doubt that revealed itself in a waiting period similar to that of Abraham. I don’t doubt God is there or that he has a plan, but I wonder what’s taking so long? Why won’t he move and make it clear what I am to do?
I never had a waiting period because, in my mind, God would take care of it, and I would just worry about today, rather than tomorrow. Well, I am now wondering about tomorrow. What will it look like? I feel the pressure of waiting patiently vs. should I just go out and do the thing I obviously have a calling for? Something hasn’t felt right each time I have looked into pastoring at a church, and I cannot help but wonder if my unique experiences are preparing me for some completely different form of pastoring at the right time and place.
Were my thoughts of what a ministry calling looks like accurate to the one that God, through the Holy Spirit, placed upon my heart? Probably not.
Did Jonah expect to be in Ninevah, prophesying to the enemies of God? Probably not.
It really isn’t about what I think God is going to do with me tomorrow, but what I am doing for God today, with God’s calling driving my actions.
Do I become a pastor because a group of people says so? Yes, but also no, there is more to this, and I certainly wouldn’t give myself the title right now. (This is not the purpose of my post today.) Yet, in my own circles in my day-to-day life, I am serving as a pastor for some of those people. There are people who want to be fed and need to be guided, who are not making it into the pasture where the shepherds (pastors) are. Who will reach them? I can only pray that the Spirit draws them to Jesus.
I truly am not a pastor at this time, yet the calling is as clear as day, and I need to live my life as a man who has been freed from my sins by the blood of Christ. Part of living out my faith means proclaiming the gospel wherever I go and in all things that I do so that the glory of God is evident, no matter the circumstances.
There are so many people out there who need to hear the gospel, yet they won’t.
If I have the good fortune of getting to preach in front of these people, they will 100% hear the gospel from me, but we still have a lack of people attending church. And again, going to church is not what saves you either.
The people who most often need to hear the gospel are the ones you will find working at a diner on Sunday morning or scanning your groceries at Walmart (if you are lucky enough to actually get your groceries scanned by another human).
So what is the fork in the road that my post is titled about?
The Fork in the Road
Today I interviewed for a job that, if I earn, will almost 100% stop me from becoming a pastor for at least the next 1-2 years. As I maybe incoherently written above, this is a point that may cause further alarm and discomfort, because again, am I running away from God’s calling for me?
No, I am not. The fork in the road is this:
Today, Lord Jesus, I am 100% placing my faith and trust in your guiding and providential hand in my life. If I am supposed to pastor locally at one of these places, you will not allow me to carry this new job. I ask that you close the door and open a new one for me, and if that so be your will, I will follow. If you allow me to take this job, I will likely see it as a continuing sign that the timing and placement have not yet aligned with your glorious and cosmic plan.
My friends, if you have made it this far, I ask that you pray for me. I have recently been challenged in my faith in ways I have never struggled. I wonder if this is one of those ways that the enemy is seeking to destroy?
No matter what happens, whether I take the job or end up reluctantly and faithfully pastoring in an official capacity, I will serve the Lord my God and proclaim the gospel in all that I do. If I am not pastoring in the church, I will seek to build those up outside the church in the hopes that they see the doors open and are let in.
The things that God carries us through truly are for our good and remarkable to think about.
Be blessed, and please interact with this post how you see fit.